Saturday 28 February 2015

The Joyful Art

It's Seraphic Singles Saturday, and since I brought up flirtation last week, I am duty-bound to discuss it this week. I hope discussing flirtation isn't as destructive as touching a butterfly or dissecting a poem. Flirtation must be, above all, light, fun and perhaps even fluffy

Flirtation is the art of expressing to others the idea that they are interesting and attractive and that you have thoughts or jokes in common. Yes, it can be exploitative--if  used to get power over somebody--but most of the time, I believe, it is a way to be friendly while honouring the concept of sexual attraction. You might not actually be sexually attracted to the person you flirt with, but it can be polite to pretend such an attraction might have been remotely possible, were he not a chatty old retired Irish priest 45 years your senior.

I bring up the chatty old retired Irish priest for, as far as I can recall, that is who I tried my earliest experiments in light flirtation on, back in my otherwise serious-minded early twenties. I can't remember what on earth I said, but Father Whoever was highly pleased and it was all very matey, with absolutely no fallout. Experiments with actual twenty-something laymen turned out to be more dangerous, for I ended up with a boyfriend I later concluded I didn't actually want. But that was my fault, my fault, my most grievous fault, because I had undertaken that flirtation to see if working against my serious nature could get me a Real Catholic Boyfriend, and it did.

And that is probably what alarmed me ever after about flirtation: if you catch a fish, how do you throw him back without hurting his feelings, getting a reputation for fickleness and potentially ruining your whole entire life?!?!?!?! 

Well, first of all, you have to get over such doomsday scenarios. Boys and men are not made of glass and nobody's life is going to be ruined because you told a man you like his pullover without wanting to marry him and have his children. And, really, compliments are the essence of flirtation. Smiles, attention, compliments and then move on. Brevity is the soul of flirtation. It's a far cry from eating restaurant dinners at a man's expense until you are bored with him. A coffee is just a coffee, but if you don't want him to buy you dinner, say no. What is he going to say, "But you told me you liked my pullover!"?

Is she lying or is she into me? is the pleasing question you want the fortunate young man you have flattered to ponder for the three minutes that elapse between your exit and his forgetting your existence for the day. Naturally, if you have flattered a chatty 75 year old Irish priest of clean life, he knows at once you are just flirting, but he is pleased all the same.

Some women are charming and flirtatious by nature, and compliment women as easily as they compliment men. At age three my niece Popcorn quite astonished me by fixing her blue eyes upon my outfit and saying, "I like your dress." Soon after she fixed her eyes on my face and said, with unmistakable envy, "I like your lipstick." If she has the confidence at 16 she had at 3, she will be a flirtation force to be reckoned with. Meanwhile, if you are terrified of smiling at and complimenting men, I suggest you try it on women first. Start with close friends and then get up the nerve to say something nice to a stranger whose dress, shoes or bag you honestly admire. 

One day in my theology years, I wondered aloud why it was that I was so able to compliment girls and chatty 75 year old priests but not eligible men. And a highly eligible man at the table said it was because girls and elderly priests were safe. I saw his point at once and, rising to the challenge, began to flirt with him.  He asked me out on three highly flirtatious dates, and that was it. And I am very grateful to him because during the three dates, as we flattered each other like mad, we both realized that the other, though attractive, funny and intelligent, wasn't the One, and that this was okay. But I am grateful above all because it was very good flirting practice. Meanwhile, he was a good Catholic and very handsome, although not as handsome as the men of my parish, who are surely the most handsome collection of men in all Christendom.

The best flirt I have seen recently on stage and screen is Monsieur Gustave in The Grand Budapest Hotel. I am not saying that Monsieur Gustave was a moral giant. I am just saying that he was a very good flirt, a man who won friends and influenced people with his confidence, cajolery, compliments and even calling everyone "darling". But if you are looking for a model who is less-over-the-top, then I suggest you watch Holly Golightly's method in Breakfast at Tiffany's. No, Holly Golightly was  not a moral giant either, but you have to admire a woman who can say to a looker like George Peppard, "You remind me of my brother Fred. Do you mind if I call you Fred?"

Admire Holly's method, but not her attitude. Although Holly loved her brother Fred, liked George and thought Sally Tomato was a darling man, she was terrified of life, deeply resented the men she allowed to take her out on expensive dates and was on the hunt for a wallet big enough to marry. She was indeed a phony, even if she was a "real phony."

To be a good flirt, I posit, you must really like people and think they are marvelous. You must summon up your confidence in yourself as a communicator and as a woman of good taste who appreciates the good taste in others, e.g. that young man with the really excellent pullover. A man with such an excellent taste in pullovers deserves some female attention, as you should go and tell him. And where did he get that excellent pullover? It very much suits him. It brings out the sparkle in his eyes. Oops, and here is Father O'Neill, to whom you must immediately speak. Good-bye, handsome young man!

By the way, I can not say this too often: complaining is not an effective means of flirtation.  I don't care if it works in the movies, or if Mr Darcy seemed ever more attracted to Miss Elizabeth Bennett the more she abused him. Gentle raillery is as charming as fingernails screeching down a blackboard. Tsk-tsking, finger-wagging, correcting, instructing and informing a man how a gentleman behaves is poison. I don't talk like that to my own husband. If a young man asks me what local courtesy entails, I will tell him, and if soft porn appears on the telly, I shriek at my husband to change the channel, but that's about it.* 

Nota Bene: if you are married, don't forget to flirt with your husband. Tell him he is marvelous every day, as if flattery was water and he was a basil plant. Otherwise he might wither and die. 

*If a young man of my acquaintance makes an exceedingly rude (i.e. sexual) remark and is within reach, I whack him with my handbag. 

16 comments:

  1. Honestly, I've never thought of flirting as such a harmless thing as here it's made out to be. It just seems somewhat deceptive by nature, not altogether sincere. I don't like the idea of compliments with ulterior motives. Sincere compliments are wonderful, though. But when a comment is made with simple and honest sincerity, it doesn't seem to classify as flirting.

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    1. You could also call novelists and jokers deceptive and insincere. There is something a little fantastical and humorous about flirtation. Saying "Oh my, I think I love you! Have my children!" to a kindly soul who brings you a cup of tea is so over the top as to be funny. Really, flirtation is done for the joy of winning a smile from someone, just as we tell jokes to provoke laughter.

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  2. This young man from Latin Mass and I have this weird repartee going on, although I wouldn't call it flirtation because it consists of insults. He'll accuse me of being either a hipster or a feminist (based on whether or not I'm wearing glasses), I'll burst into laughter, I'll then accuse him of being a womaniser, then he'll burst into laughter. You should have seen last week's discussion. It was Do Men or Women Have ALL THE POWER in Dating and Relationships? He was annoyed that I let him win.

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  3. Julia, sounds like flirting to me ;-)

    Anonymous, I'm kind of confused as to why it seems deceptive to you? I mean, one can be totally sincere about having a light, teasing affection for a member of the opposite sex, can't one?

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    1. Meh, perhaps, but this guy does that with everyone :P

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    2. Then he's flirting with everyone!

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    3. Guy-flirting. If it isn't just Scottish banter, it annoys B.A. no end.

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    4. Guy-flirting. If it isn't just Scottish banter, it annoys B.A. no end.

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  4. Anonymous 40-something1 March 2015 at 00:00

    I am not the "Anonymous" of above, but as I posed the question last week, I'll jump in.

    I never thought of giving compliments as flirtation. I am free with my (sincere) compliments of women and men that aren't eligible (married, priest, too young for me, etc.). I'm not sure what I've ever thought flirtation is. Teasing/joking, perhaps? Which I don't do well with anyone, male or female.

    Seraphic, your friend's comment that you could only compliment those who were *safe* resonates with me. I suppose I do the same. No, I don't think every eligible man is out to rape me; I know most men are sinners trying their best to be good. But maybe I don't believe "It's only coffee" as much as I think I do, and put some pressure on myself.

    Thanks for the insight. Lots to mull over.

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    1. Giving compliments is the easiest form of flirtation, after smiling. You don't have to be clever, arch or daring. You just have to be happy and confident so that you can back up your smile or compliment with a little conversation. The next step is the running joke.

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  5. Flirtation, especially as a man, is an odd creature. For a single Catholic, it's the strange game where one must avoid looking like a sexual creature when complementing others – I have the odd predilection here in my mid-thirties where I'll honestly complement a women (in her fashion choices or such) and then have to leave the scene lest she think that I'm hitting on her like' lesser men.' As a man prone to clever turns of phrases but without any real history of dating, one can understand why I've been so alone so long.

    Your comments abut the old priest are understandable. I'm reminded of my own status of being "the straight 'gay friend'" to women who would very clearly have said that they would not be involved with a chaste religious virgin (as I somehow can't find a Catholic women anyway without miles of me), so I've become practiced at such innocent flirting in between bouts of total isolation.

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    1. Whoa. This "lesser creature" stuff sounds like you've been reading PUA blogs, Brian! Stop leaving the scene. Ask women out. Ask them out before they find out you're a chaste religious virgin, which is super personal stuff they shouldn't know anyway. Not all women demand sex on the third date. Many are romantics at heart. PUA blogs are written by jerks who see women as prey. They hate women. The only women they tolerate are the ones they are about to debauch. So honestly drop the idea women think of men who want to spend time with them as "lesser creatures".

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  6. I find this post helpful and timely, Seraphic! I've spent probably too much time mulling over "flirting" -- being daunted by the prospect of it, trying to figure out whether it goes too far, then wondering where exactly "too far" really is, and of course, being completely unable to tell whether anyone (someone) is flirting with me. Flirting seems to presuppose a baseline comfort level with social interaction that not everyone has reached yet. Reading your post, I find myself wondering if those who are the most sensitive to social, emotional, and behavioral nuances -- let's say exquisitely sensitive to the impact of a compliment, a hurtful comment, or a neutral comment, whether they receive it or deliver it themselves -- are the least comfortable with (and effective at) flirting. (By 'exquisitely sensitive,' I think we can also read shy, or even socially anxious -- not in a clinical sense, necessarily!) Perhaps they are more keenly aware of how flirting could be misperceived. And also more aware of how much those who aren't often front-and-foremost in receiving social attention -- the elderly, the no-longer-eligible, and so on -- deserve the genuine warmth of teasing, friendly compliments. Just a hypothesis, anyway, and not intended to say that those who are good at flirting are less sensitive to social nuance! (Perhaps they have more confidence and practice at social interaction). I say this as someone who's *excellent* at flirting with elderly men and small children but sometimes can barely speak to same-aged-male-peers (in fact, the only boy who's ever given me his phone number was 5 years old, but that's another story). :)

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  7. Too far means he/she bursts into tears or gets really mad or runs away.That has never happened to me. Well, I did run away from a flattering junkie today.

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  8. Too far means he/she bursts into tears or gets really mad or runs away.That has never happened to me. Well, I did run away from a flattering junkie today.

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